I finally finished writing this for health class, despite how very much I tried to avoid it by floating around YWS (shame on me). But I’m a little nervous about having to read it in front of the class. Stupid presentation grade! I would love to get some critiques for it, hopefully before I have to print. Thank you. =D
Pg-13 for refrenced drug use.
Her name is Olivia.
She’s shy, and quiet. And you’ll only ever see her with the saddest look on her face. Like nothing could get worse.
But the line between better and worse is shockingly thin, especially for Olivia.
She’s usually alone. Eating lunch, in the hall, on the bus. Always alone.
You would suspect that she gets lonely. And you’re right. She does. She wishes she were more outgoing. She wishes she were prettier. A big nose and bushy hair isn’t exactly on the cover of the magazines.
Maybe that’s why she did it. Took the risk, rode the ride. Felt the thrill once, and then again.
Drugs are easy to find, if you know where to go. And Olivia knew. The first try was nice. The second even better. But it wasn’t enough.
Soon the parties would start. And the wild feeling of freedom. Freedom from though, freedom from mind, freedom from life.
Her favorite would be ecstasy. Named and made for pleasure. It relaxes her, and makes her charismatic. She loves to be with people now. To see, to talk, to touch. She feels she’s come alive.
But euphoria can grow wary.
Olivia. She may not be as lonely. And she’s not always alone.
Now all she does is quiver. And shake, and move, and sweat.
And though her eyes are wide and jumping, Olivia still has the saddest face.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you, all. As you can tell, presenting was not the end of the world, no matter how much it felt like it.
But this is all very helpful, and I’m sure that (even though I’ve already handed it in) I can still make this piece better!
Thanks!
Very, very nice. Good luck presenting it!
My only comment would be that it does feel a little sparse in the description department. Maybe just a tad more description about the effects of the drug would be nice, just to make it a little bit more clear what exactly it is doing to her.
But it is still great the way it is. I especially liked the last line. My favorite out of the whole piece, it was.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
You did it very well, why were you avoiding it? Nice job
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This is sad. But extremely well written. You give us insight into this girls head but with that, I think you could give us even more insight. You gave us an overall view but let us really understand this Olivia girl. What makes her tick?
Anyway, I think you did well with this and you should have no worries when presenting it.
This was a pretty good piece. I liked it. I don't think there's anything I would change, and I didn't notice any typos or grammar mistakes.
Oh, wait, there is one thing I MIGHT change. Usually, I don't really like it when a story is written and the narrator is talking directly to the reader. I think it takes away from it all. This probably would have struck me more if it'd been from first person, or even third. If it was from the first person point of view, we would get to know her every feeling, her every thought. That would be neat.
But I did enjoy it. Keep writing.
I have to say I loved this.
I like how you explained about drugs through a 'story' instead of going on about the misuses of drugs. Is that what you had to do?
I don't have problem with the short sentences. Since you are going to be reading it out loud, it's better that way. It will be easier for the listeners to follow.
I see that you're scared of reading this out in front of the class. Don't worry.
Just remember your audience can sense your hesitancy. So go up there, boldly, confidently and look your audience in the eyes. Don't bury your nose in your paper while you are reading it.
It's very important you look at you audience while you read this. Doing so your piece will have a more effective and powerful affect on your audience.
Good luck!
I wrote a piece called Olivia, so I just HAD to review this.
Also, my Olivia is a quiet girl who's always alone... but she likes it that way, so that's where we differ. Anyhow, onto your critique:
I think the period would better be a dash... but I guess it doesn't really matter, because you're going to be doing it orally anyway. *shrug*that should be "Freedom from THOUGHT," you forgot the last "t"
Maybe you mean to say "weary?" I'm not sure... "wary" means careful--"weary" means tired. Which one do you want?
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The super-short sentences kind of bothered me, but I don't think it really makes much difference because you're gonna be reading it aloud. All the same, just remember that commas, semi-colons and dashes are your friends!
I also think we could have used a bit more imagery, because there really wasn't much at all. But that isn't absolutely necessary for a piece like this. The main point of it is loud and clear... without being overdone. So very good on that! *thumbs up*
I agree with day tripper that it reads like poetry... which is an interesting touch.
I hope this helps! PM me with questions/comments about my review!
~Azila~
Ahh, this is so good.
....my name's Olivia.
Haha, fo' real.
And I have tried drugs, but never 'E'.
Ew. x:
But I actually really liked this.
It was almost like a poem.
Good job!!(: